


monday,  8 am, i'll be deleted

by V_is_my_shiteu



Series: NCT-shots [4]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Shy Park Jisung (NCT)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-07-20 14:35:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16139273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/V_is_my_shiteu/pseuds/V_is_my_shiteu
Summary: Jisung had a terrible day and just wants some comfortAka: I had a really shitty day so I decided to use Jisung and fanfiction as an outlet for what happened





	monday,  8 am, i'll be deleted

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Dead Girl Walking from Heather's
> 
> Alternatively:  
> life can be beautiful (Beautiful; Heathers)  
> jisung and the terrible no good day  
> i'll be your home (Dear Dream; NCT Dream)  
> when the voice in your head, says your better off dead (Freeze Your Brain; Heathers)

it began with a bad dance practice.

jisung had been practicing with his dancing high members when he slipped, and his ankle twisted underneath him, preventing him from finishing the hard foot moves. the whole team, including hoya, had rushed around him and asked if he was okay and if his foot was okay. of course his foot was fine, the problem was the faint ache in his thigh. they told him to get some rest, come back home tomorrow, to not worry about not making it for another practice after he had missed so many. there was a dull ache in between his eyes, one that made the water in his eyes become more prevalent. before he knew it he was in the bathroom looking at himself in the mirror while silently crying and quietly sniffling. 

when the manager knocked on the door to bring him home, he wiped the tears out best he could and hoped the makeup hid his puffy eyes, and set off into the car. the ache still rested beside his eyes, now thrumming into his head. the manager tsked, mumbling away about a wasted schedule and ended up making jisung feel worse. stupid human body. the thought of his managers, older brothers, and company being disappointed in him brought a fresh set of tears into his eyes. he turned to face the window and opted to fall asleep, hoping by the time he woke up the dehydration and hurt of crying wouldn't hurt so much. 

when he woke up - or rather had been woken up by the manager - he was at the dorms, and so he ran up as best he could so he could jump into the arms of taeyong, listen to doyoung and ten bicker even though they were best friends, watch donghyuck attempt to get some skinship with mark, listen to winwin snort about the stupid fights yuta and taeil had, listen to the china line be loud and watch jeno and jaemin squeal and chase each other, let johnny talk to him about his day in a nice calming voice as taeyong still held him while jaehyun combed his hands through his hair, and kun would come in with some soup or something warm on a cold, hard day like this. but when he entered the dorm, he was left with a chilling sensation, and silence. jisung hated silence. there was nobody running or arguing, there was no one in the kitchen or in the living room ready to welcome him and make him feel warm and fuzzy on an awful day like this. all that was there was a note on the inside of the door, on a bright pink sticky note.

"went out jisungie~~~ should be home around 9, see you soon!! XOXO, taeyong"

the loneliness he felt time to time settled into his veins. he hated the feeling, how you could know there was someone ready to love you and do anything for you, but you still felt as if you were alone and were an outcast. he settled for watching some tv on his phone instead of dealing with that feeling, deciding to watch himself on the newest episode that came out of dancing high.

"WORK YOU STUPID PHONE! YOU KNOW ITS NOT LIKE I WANTED TO WATCH THE STUPID EPISODE OR SOMETHING"

jisung was not one to raise his voice. His voice was always soft, he even flinched when someone around him raised their voice. he always had had sensitive ears. the only times hes ever raised his voice is when he gets super frustrated. like now for example. the browser he was using to watch it was not working, it had been twenty minutes since he'd started and he wasnt even 5 minutes into the episode. he screamed, he groaned out in frustration, had almost broken his computer screen when he thought it would work better there, only to be disappointed. finally he had settled on something that had actually gotten him longer than 5 minutes in, he had been finally able to finish that first performance. it was starting to get dark and he decided he should probably turn on the lights.

when he flicked the light switch, the fan (which was pretty old, it was big and white had two dangley thingies. one controlled whether the light was on or off and one controlled how much the fan blew) had been blowing pretty hard, still set to that when everyone came home from a terribly warm and intense dance practic, so jisung opted to change it so there was only light and no fan. when he grabbed onto the dangley thingie and pulled to change it, instead of it clicking and the fan strength weakening, he was met with it still in his hand, except his hand was by his side and it wasnt on the fan. oh. oh wait. oh shit. oh shitohshitohshitohshitohshit. jisung broke the fan. the cord fell off and now there was only one and what would taeyong say when his precious furniture was damaged would jisung be in trouble what would happen.

jisung was not someone who raised his voice and yelled. however, he was most definitely that person who has the worst panic attacks at the worst times. this happened to be one of those times. it wasn't those cliche "and everything felt like it was underwater and my legs buckled and i couldn't hear anything". not at all. instead it was nonstop crying, sobbing so hard you got a headache just hearing yourself sound like a five year old having a tantrum, it was hyperventilating to the point of dizziness but not enough to stop your cries by fainting, it was "i have to walk and pace but also i feel like i'm sitting down in an invisible chair that's still moving" and you became aware. too aware. aware of every little word, every tiny ruckus, every small noise that happened to be coming from the house at that point, you could hear it all. that's why when jisung was in the middle of choking on his own tears (he had been doing that for about 5 to 10 minutes now) and he hear something settling or shifting coming from the bathroom, he stopped breathing. when nothing else happened, it was back to his panic attack as if non oof that had happened. 

when he had calmed down a bit (read: stopped choking on his tears and was still hyperventilating and sobbing but not enough to be unable to form words), he had decided to call taeyong. He would know what to do. He called the contact entitled "mother hen" and waited for the dial tone to turn into taeyong's sweet voice asking what was wrong. instead he got the cold, computerized "please leave a message at the tone", and had the glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, he would realize jisung was sending him a message and answer. but nope, he ended the voicemail himself with a hiccup and an "'m sorry, i dont know what to do, sorry hyung" 

two hours is when taeyong finally called back. jisung had long since calmed down, watching youtube while he waited, the ache behind his eyes still there but slowly fading away. when he heard the phone ring, he bolted to it and hoped that it was taeyong and not some stupid scammer or telemarketer. when he saw it was taeyong's number, the tears came back immediately and he hoped for some comfort. but not an "are you okay Jisung?" or a "what happened?" or even an "aigoo, how was your day jisungie?"

just a cold "did you call me earlier?" and "what did you do?" with an unfocused sigh and music and loud voices in the background. 

instead of Taeyong's caring mom nature, when jisung blubbered his answer, taeyong replied with merely an "it's not broken jisung, we can fix it on monday. see you in a couple hours."

and that hurt jisung. his mother figure, his older brother whom he's looked up to since he was merely a little trainee, was treating him harshly, and like an outcast. it made that feeling (like a bunch of knives were stabbing him again and again as his heart was constantly fixed up by sharp, painful needles, only to be stabbed again) come back, and made him wonder about whether the others felt the same.

about an hour later jisung gets a snapchat from jaemin. he opens the app (yes he has snapchat, everyone in nct does, theirs is just very private) and sees a small video of him in a birthday hat (Yes, his birthday was in august, but they didnt throw a true party for him and thought the should), with everyone around him. mark and donghyuck are enjoying skinship. chenle, lucas, and renjun are arguing over something as jungwoo and kun look on in amusement. ten and doyoung are laughing over something as johnny feeds ten some cake every once in a while. jeno is watching behind him and making weird faces for the camera. taeyong is sitting with jaehyun, relaxing on his lap as jaehyun combs through his hair. and in his anxiety ridden haze and the ache behind his eyes again, he bursts out into tears again. his body hurts too much, he doesnt like the pain that still shoots up from his leg, the doesnt like that fact that hes alone or that he accidentally broke the fan and thinks that Taeyong is mad, and he sure doesnt like that his entire group is celebrating and having fun without him, almost as if they would be happy without him. everything is the same, none of it different without jisung in the picture. they dont need him, he thinks, the never did. he was an inconvenient annoying little bug that could be squashed at any time without remorse, but hasn't been because the others pity him and his sad life and sad feelings. the stabbing feeling was back, this time tenfold. it hurt to even think about the group, and even then he could only think about how they didnt need home and how much he inconveniences the group. he was picking at his hands again, - bad habit that sometimes got so bad he would wake up to blood on his pillows and running down his hand - blood starting to drip in beads. his nails started raking down his skin. maybe if it hurts more physically i cant hurt emotionally. that was his rationale, one that was devastating to anyone watching, but still one he believed in sometimes.

by the time nct got back from their outing, jisung was "asleep" on the couch aka he was awake and heard them come in but couldn't find it in himself to open his eyelids, it was too much work. 

he heard taeyong say "aigoo, our little jisungie fell asleep. must've had a rough day at the studio."

then he heard kun. "ah, hyung? didn't he call you earlier? part of the ceiling fan broke off." jisung held it in him to not grimace and start crying at that.

"his hands are all raw and bleeding and so are his thighs. i really hope hes not hurting himself again." that was johnny, disappointment in his voice making jisung almost grimace once more. 

"and look at his face," There was jaehyun's voice - jisung could hear the frown in it - and a cool hand on his face, "it looks like hes been crying again.

taeyong sighed. "he tried to call me and when i answered him he seemed fine. let me check the voicemail though." 

and there was jisung's pathetic voice, hiccupping and sobbing as he tried to utter words about the fan being broken and how we was sorry and it was an accident.

"oh god, i feel so bad for him. we should get him to bed and lucas, can you bring me some bandages?" there was ten, authoritative mom voice coming full strong. he felt strong arms lift him up, jeno no doubt, and he was taken to his room, still pretending to be asleep. from there he was dropped off into his bed, ten speaking rapid-fire as he wrapped bandages around where jisung was hurt. he heard the door open and cracked his eyes open. there was taeyong, about to leave the room with ten.

"wait," he pathetically mumbled out, "don't leave me." it came out more of a whimper than anything, but it was enough to have taeyong sighing and climbing into he bed, hugging jisung back to sleep. 

the next morning, when jisung woke up, taeyong was nowhere to be found. he heard the sounds of chenle's dolphin screeches, of donghyuck's whining, he could even hear johnny's soft voice lulling him out of slumber. when he got out of his room, there was taeyong sleepily waving at him, asking him if he wanted to stay with him, jaehyun, and johnny while he ate breakfast. 

so he did. he walked into the kitchen where doyoung and kun were making breakfast, grabbing a plate as both men kissed him on the forehead. he went in the living room to sit with taeyong on the couch, head leaning on his shoulder as jaehyun ran his hand up and down his back - giving him shivers, the nice kind - and johnny talking about their weeks and how good jisung had been in the latest episode of dancing high. 

and as he kept eating, watching the chaotic but calm scene in front of him, noise everywhere and yet attention focused solely on the man talking in front of him, jisung couldn't help but think.

This is home.

**Author's Note:**

> To conclude:  
> I had a suckish day, I had too many names for this one shot, I live for Heathers, and I cry too muxh


End file.
